Help, Please!
by Myrtle the Tyrtle
Summary: Completed with thanks to StagStar and Ghostwriter626. Thanks to them, Harry, Ron and Hermione can finally find Myrtle the Tyrtle on fanfictiondotnet! So R&R this, and then R&R their stories, because they are great! Ch.4 contains 'implied' implied slash.
1. Help Please!

**HELP PLEASE! BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

It was a quiet day in the Gryffindor common room and the Golden Trio were crowded around a book Hermione had bewitched with the Protean charm so it mimics the Fanfiction-dot-net website. It is not a computer because no matter what you do to it, technology should not work at Hogwarts!

"So what shall we read first?" asked Hermione.

"Ooh, ooh! Let's search for that author we were reading about last night! You know, Myrtle the Tyrtle. Great author that one," exclaimed Ron.

"OK," said Hermione, and she tapped the book with her wand. "Hang on, what do you mean last night? You weren't slashing again, were you? Because it's just so overdone that it's almost unreadable anymore. I can't understand why anyone would continue to write it after the first 500 stories, because it just goes over and over and its always the same and…"

"Hermione, the page has loaded," interrupted Harry.

"Oh, right. Hey, it says NO RESULTS FOUND. That can't be right!"

Ron grabbed the book to look for himself. "Hmm… How about one of the titles of his fics. Try DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE HIDDEN STAFF."

There were no results.

"HARRY BOTTER AND THE WHAT WHERE WHO NOW?"

Similarly, nothing.

"What about SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS."

Some results, but none were Myrtle's.

"OK what about his newest one WHO'S THE HALFBLOOD NOW?"

A blank page.

The trio also tried as many summary keywords as they could think of, but none of Myrtle's writing turned up.

"Why is this happening!" screamed Harry. "Why can't we find any writing by MYRTLE THE TYRTLE on Fanfiction-dot-net? He's not even in the Author Directory!!" (A/N actually, he is, under M on page 424!)

Many hours later, the trio were still looking. In an act of desperation, they had even resorted to the support website, to no avail. ("I really can't understand how this one works!", shouted Hermione frustratedly. And when she gets frustrated, theres gotta be something wrong!) It appeared Myrtle and his writing were lost in cyberspace.

**A/N: So can you solve the mystery? If you know why Harry and co. can't find any works by their favourite author MYRTLE THE TYRTLE on please leave your answer in a review or email/PM the author MYRTLE at his user page. Coz he seriously can't find them anywhere!**

**MYRTLE **


	2. A misunderstanding

**HELP PLEASE! BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

**OK this story isn't actually supposed to be a work of fiction, its really just a cry for help from me, Myrtle the Tyrtle because no matter where I look on this website, I can't find any of my stuff (apart from on my User Page).**

**The only reason I had it written as a story was coz I thought it might sound a bit more convincing.**

**Sorry for the confusion! But please try and help anyway, I would be most thankful for your advice on where to look for my stories, etc, and also: HOW DO I USE THE SUPPORT / HELP function????**

**:( I am so confused! ):**

**Myrtle.**

**PS. If I get enough good advice I will conclude the story with someone (reader participation required here - be creative) telling Harry, Ron and Hermione how to find their favourite author Mytle :)**

**EDIT: Thanks to all my reviewers so far. I have recieved lots of helpful advice, including that my Username was spelt wrong! Guess its that old malfunctioning author again. Sigh. He really needs an upgrade!**


	3. A message to the humble reader

**HELP PLEASE! BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

**A message to the readers:**

**Thank you to all the wonderful people who have helped with my problem. I still haven't quite found myself on the Search function (can you find you? or me?) and does anyone actually know how to use support-dot-fanfiction-dot-net? If so, please review this story or email me from my userpage.**

**Also be sure to check out my latest fic _Just Can't Wait_. My most humble apologies for the Blairbashing and writing something about the Lion King (yeah, I know) but King Ligerion assures me it is pure brilliance.**

**Thanks again,**

**MYRTLE**


	4. Help? Got it!

**HELP PLEASE! BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

It was the same quiet day in the Gryffindor common room and the Golden Trio were still crowded around a book Hermione had bewitched with the Protean charm so it mimics the Fanfiction-dot-net website. It is not a computer because no matter what you do to it, technology should not work at Hogwarts!

And they were still struggling to find their favourite author MYRTLE THE TYRTLE. The most recent search still came up with NO RESULTS FOUND. Ron jumped up and kicked an overstuffed armchair in his fury.

Harry became awfully worried as the armchair started to move. He remembered what had happened the last time he'd seen an overstuffed armchair move... Snape had jumped out of it and launched himself at Hermione with a passion that no teacher should ever have for a student.

But he need not have worried, for the only thing coming out from under the overstuffed armchair was a small girl covered in a white powder.

"Who are you, and what are you doing under that overstuffed armchair?" demanded Ron.

"Don't worry, Ron," said the girl. "But do make sure that you use the right tense. For example, 'what _were_ you doing', if I am not doing it anymore."

"Eh?"

"Look," she said. "I am Stag-Star, and I was looking for sugar. I do quite like sugar."

"Whatever," said Ron. "But us 'big kids' would like to do 'special things' 'on our own' up here in the common room where 'no one can distract us' from the things we are doing with a book that looks like 'a certain website'."

"Enough with the implied sexual content, Ron," said Stag-Star. "I know all about your search for MYRTLE THE TYRTLE, and I am here to help."

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but how are you going to do that?"

"It's quite easy, actually," she said. "All you need to do is make the Persummons Potion from the book COMPLEX POTIONS MADE EASY by Ghostwriter626."

"That's a funny name," sneered a pale boy from the corner of the common room.

"Draco Malfoy!" gasped the Trio.

"Now _that's_ a funny name!" laughed Stag-Star.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" he walked over to Stag-Star. "No need to ask for yours. Overstuffed armchair? Brilliant fanfiction stories? Sugar down your robes? You're Stag-Star."

"That's true, but you're a git who has over a thousand stories on the internet about his experiences with Hermione, Ginny and (pause for effect) Harry in compromising positions!"

The trio howled with laughter.

"Argh!" arghed Draco. "No! I'd never have compromising positions with a mudblood, a blood traitor or – worse – that Potty Potter, the Chosen boy who… NEVER!" He ran out of the room screaming.

"I suggest that you guys go and find that book now," said Stag-Star, and she crawled back under her armchair, presumably to look for more sugar.

The trio gave each other glances that meant stuff.

Ron meant: _I can't believe I don't get compromising positions with Draco!  
_

Hermione meant: _I can't believe I get a compromising position with Draco!_

Harry meant: _I can't believe no-one's mentioned my serial polygamy with Hermione, Ginny, Cho, and countless other hot chicks by now!_

However, they each interpreted each other's as '_let's go and have a looksie for the booksie!_'.

So they did.

In an act of blatant stupidity (and/or Mary Sueism) they brewed the potion in record speed in the middle of the common room and did not get noticed by anyone whilst stealing out of Professor Slughorn's potions store. In fact, he didn't even notice that ingredients such as dragon eggs, phoenix hearts, three boxes of crystallised pineapple and Uncle Vernon's last remaining piece of neck had been stolen.

It would take a week for the potion to mature, so the trio spent this time by hunting Horcruxes. They had destroyed 231and killed Voldemort at least 30 times when Hermione exclaimed "goodness gracious me! The potion must be ready by now!"

They all ran out of Harry and Ginny's seventeenth wedding (promising to come back for the rest afterwards) and were astonished to find Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore and Cedric Diggory sitting down near the potion.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry. "You're dead!"

"So it would seem, Harry," said Dumbledore, "but someone has obviously tampered with the life-death continuum, bringing Sirius, Cedric and myself back to life."

"Ah," said Harry.

Hermione stirred the potion one last time, then they all jumped back (taking care to show off the large muscles they had obtained while working out for hours on end when they were preparing to kill Voldemort), as a fat old man with a substantial lack of hair jumped out of the cauldron.

"Who are you and what are you doing in that cauldron?" demanded Ron.

"You've done it again Ron! It's 'what _were_', you silly boy!" said Stag-Star, poking her head out from underneath the chair.

"Stag-Star? Is that you?" asked the man.

"Myrtle!" exclaimed Stag-Star. "You've got a different body. It's usually so young and handsome and male!"

"Oh no, I'm still male," said the man, who was evidently Myrtle the Tyrtle, "but only marginally. Not enough neck, you guys."

"Well we didn't have much to use, sorry," said Harry. "But now, Mister Myrtle the Tyrtle, sir, could you tell us how to find you on fanfiction-dot-net?"

"Why that is simple!" said Myrtle. "You just search for me! The administrators have updated the systems now, and I'm on the data base! Go and try it!"

The trio did so, and soon had located all of Myrtle's stories on said website.

They turned to thank him, but alas, he was gone, leaving just an author's note floating in the cauldron.

**A/N: This is in fact the end of HELP, PLEASE!. It's been great writing it and getting all your feedback. Special thanks to Stag-Star and Ghostwriter626, whose names and ideas you will see in this chapter.**

**Now that I am findable on fanfiction-dot-net, please take the time to read and review all my stories if you have not already.**

**Thanks also to whoever made my name findable on said website, whether it was because of this story or not.**

**What are you doing still reading this? Go! Read! Review!**

**(: MYRTLE :)**


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